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Thoughts on sexuality.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love, lust and sexuality lately. When it comes to sexuality, my views would be considered by today’s standards to be “radical.” Simply this: I am saving my first kiss for my wedding day. It wasn’t something pushed on me, suggested to me, or that I was pressured into. It was my own decision I made when I was 17. I wanted to share some of my story with you guys to show you a point of view that is very different than the common one.
Disclaimer: I believe sexuality is a very private, personal topic and all that I am about to say are my personal beliefs and opinions. I don’t believe in shaming others or that my views make me “better”. It’s just what works for me personally and what I have found a great deal of fulfillment and inner-peace in.
When I was 17, I fell hard for a boy for the first time. I would sneak out to meet up with him late at night and stay up until early in the morning talking to him, then slip back into my house. In the beginning of our “thing” (ugh, our generation), it was very innocent. We would hold hands and walk down the street, talking for hours. It felt very sweet and romantic. I remember sitting out on a rock on a hill looking out at the lake and the lights of our small town below, my head on his shoulder, him stroking my hair. I remember us holding each other’s hands and spinning around in circles down the street then laying down in the middle of the street at night, side by side, having the most random but fun conversations about life.
But then at one point, I could tell he was getting frustrated with me and what I was “giving” him. He wanted more. I could feel it in every thing he did- how he increased his compliments to me, and held me in a hug longer and closer. He was pushing me, very subtly, using all the tactics that had worked with girls in the past. I didn’t really feel anything- just a sense that it felt good to be desired. We were about to be seniors in high school and I had never kissed anyone, and he had a reputation of being a “player” who had “been with” many girls.
In my head was this huge war. The voices of my friends, “Kissing is not a big deal, so why don’t you just kiss him?” His voice when I told him I was considered saving my first kiss, “But there’s a way you can kiss someone that is so innocent. I could just kiss you like that?” On one of those late nights when he was very close to me, the voices started screaming in my head, until it all became like a huge chant, “Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him.” And another voice, “It’s not even a big deal, so why not just do it?”
I remember the moment exactly- the street sign, the light of the moon. He was whispering something in my ear and trying to “seduce” me and the chorus was chanting in my head to give him my first kiss. Suddenly, a firm, strong voice spoke out inside of me- a resolution, a promise:
“No.”
It was so sure and concrete, so powerful and commanding. In that moment I knew it came from a higher self- the same self that woke up for swim practice at 6am every weekday that summer even though I was exhausted, because I knew going to practice would make me stronger. The same voice that gave me the courage to leave my toxic group of friends earlier that year and find friends who truly loved me. I didn’t know exactly where the voice came from, just that it was a voice that I loved and trusted. While the other voices were pushy and impatient with me, this one was calm, confident and in control. I trusted her.
He stepped away from me, frustrated and annoyed. “Let’s go,” he said flatly, and we stepped into his fancy car. When he dropped me off at my front door, I had this feeling of being disposed of, like some kind of object that was deemed “useless” and “defective.” I felt an odd mixture of sadness and relief.
I had an experience with God that cemented my decision shortly after that. I was in great conflict another night not long after that, about whether or not I should keep seeing him. I was wrestling with this growing sense that he didn’t truly value me, and that I deserved better.
God called me outside and I sat beneath a heavy blanket of stars. I looked up and tears of joy streamed down my face. I felt this perfect sense of peace, calm and being connected to the Creator. In that moment, I knew that my true fulfillment came from Love, not lust. The Author of every great love story was calling me to sit close to Him, to make a sacrifice in my dating life that would ultimately serve me in the end.
Here I am now- I’m 25 years old. I have never kissed anyone and I still plan on saving it for my wedding day. It is one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. Never before has something brought me so much peace, fulfillment, self-respect and purpose. I am still dating and I have experienced a rich and full dating life, meeting and dating a lot of really great men and experiencing so many things I will treasure forever.
My romantic experiences have felt like I was in a movie many times. My breath has been taken away by them. There is a certain beauty in looking into the eyes of a man and knowing that he is willing to make a sacrifice for you because he cares about you as more than just a body. I think the more you give away, the harder it becomes to discern someone’s true intentions. “Do they love me for my heart, soul and mind? Or are they simply here for the pleasure my body provides?”
And that leads me to my final message for you: You are more than just a body. You are a heart and a soul and beautiful story unfolding. You are precious and cherished and you deserve more than the cheap excuse for romance that the world is offering. It does not satisfy. The only thing that will truly satisfy you is LOVE, and the greatest killer of love is lust.
Your body is not an object and your kisses are not meaningless tokens to bargain with. You don’t “owe” someone your body because they bought you dinner or tossed out some pretty words at you. You deserve more. And I think you know that. If you’ve ever felt the emptiness of giving away what felt like too much, you know what I’m talking about.
You deserve more. You’re not damaged and you’re not irreparably broken. You’re still sacred, precious and whole. A million people could defile and degrade you, but you will still remain worthy and sacred. The human body is so incredible, and sexuality is a sacred, precious gift. Sexuality has become something so cheap and meaningless in our world- eyebrows raised and dirty comments made. But that doesn’t change that it is SO MUCH MORE.
Your body IS a big deal. And you will always be precious.